A Guide to Modern Eating - Some restau-rants.

Stalkers

Enjoy the comfort of your own car as you eat across the road from your unsuspecting ex as he or she dines with a new partner, a devastatingly attractive employee of the restaurant who has invited him or her out on a date. Watch them crestfallen after the meal as they are left with a simple kiss on the cheek and no prospect of a second date. For an additional fee, the truly eagle-eyed may spot a phone number being passed across on a napkin just before the bill arrives through their complimentary binoculars to enhance any feelings of jealous rage you may require.

Best Dish:
Lukewarm spaghetti hoops in a child's flask.
Worst Dish:
A week old Wispa which has melted and re-solidified.

Perfect Broth

A very limited menu of only broth, but high-tech voting panels on the table allow diners to precisely rate the broth for its excellence. Computers compile these results and the data is used to control chains which regulate the distance of a large number of cooks from the broth preparation area. If the broth begins to drop in quality, the chains tighten drawing cooks away from it and vice-versa.

Best Dish:
The Broth
Worst Dish:
The Broth

Eric's Beef Leg

A mostly vegetarian restaurant. All dishes are seasonal and meat-free with varied and excellent vegan options. Every four minutes the restaurant's mascot, Eric Beefleg runs through and diners are invited to chase him down and gorge on his meaty limb.

Best Dish:
Grilled seitan with yukon mash.
Worst Dish:
Eric's other leg chomped in haste.

Prwnd

A startlingly immature fish restaurant. Within four lines the menu descends in to racists abuse and badly disguised links to 2girls1cup.

Best Dish:
Your mum
Worst Dish:
Your mum

Dine and Whine

Everything about this restaurant is perfect. Well, to most it would be, but both service and food are deliberately littered with tiny mistakes in etiquette or technique which render them unpalatable for its exclusive clientèle of amateur critics and food snobs who complain in deliberately loud voices to the rest of their party who they secretly despise.

Best Dish:
Tenderloin of pork with honey and pepper jelly glaze (the pork is cut against the grain)
Worst Dish:
Zabaglione with peach purée (a disappointingly delightful dish from start to finish)

The Waffle House

The food here is described as excellent, only by the waiters who will not shut up. It may be the case, but no one has ever lasted long enough to place anything other than an order for their starter as the over enthusiastic staff pass comment on every dish you mention and how they once had that and it reminded them of somewhere where they met someone who once did something which was not entirely like anything you could ever be remotely interested in.

Best Dish:
Everything it seems.
Worst Dish:
Something the waiter once ate at the cafe opposite his cousin's girlfriend's dog walker's local newsagent, but that was five years ago and it's probably changed hands since then because that was where that girl got attacked. You remember, the one with the hair? It was all over the papers, because they remember looking at the paper while they were waiting in the newsagents, and they only mentioned it because…..