Most TV shows don't just arrive on screen fully formed. They go through a complicated and convoluted development process, devised to streamline, to target the perfect demographic, and, of course, iron out potential problems.
In this occasional series, we get an insider's view on just how some of these shows came to be…..
Original Title: Are You Taller Than a 10 Year Old?
On paper, this looked brilliant, and of course, the first choice of host is Noel Edmonds. Is he taller than a 10 year old? No one knows as he keeps his height a closely guarded secret, employing a combination of stilts, complex lenses and helium belch pouches to confuse all around him. The cheek pouches in particular allow him to suddenly float up to 19 inches off the floor after just one powerful stomach erruption.
In the early stages of run throughs though it became apparent the mechanic was flawed. In order for contestants to be eligible for large cash prizes they had to be over the age of 18 and no one on the production staff had noticed that most 10 year olds are only children and therefore smaller than most adults. There was no suspense. As soon as the contestant walked on the audience could see immediately they were taller than a 10 year old, but still had to sit through five rounds of measuring. It was also pointed out that all five rounds of measuring brought about the same figures as people don't grow during a two hour studio shoot, not even children who do grow faster than fully-grown people. What confused the matter though was the show was originally pitched as a celebrity based affair and the first contestant was Kenny Baker. Anyway, by this point the amount of prize money given away had exceeded £1.6 million, and even though Kenny Baker had lost, his appearance fee was large in stature. It was straining the already tight budget.
Noel was now contractually tied in and fully committed, the studio was built and air time booked. With such a small amount of money left, another show similar in nature had to be crafted.
First in line was a tiny cosmetic change and the show became the much simpler "Are You A 10 Year Old?" It was only three dry run throughs later that it was realised the over-18s rule was again somewhat spoiling any tension or drama. The slightly better news was the prize money given away was now £0.
Budget back on track, a variety of options were tried: "Do You Know Any 10 Year Olds?", the trickier to judge "Are You Smellier Than A 10 Year Old?" and a brief flirtation with the idea of a single static shot filling the hour entitled "A 10 Year Old."
It was only after seven dictionaries had been emptied of words did they decide "Smarter" would work perfectly. When tested on the production and channel executives, no one won any money.
And thank goodness this worked, for where else would we now have the opportunity to watch Dick and Dom routinely fail to wring any excitement out of asking people to spell "Ox"?
Friday 20 August 2010
Wednesday 18 August 2010
A Guide to Modern Eating - Some restau-rants.
Stalkers
Enjoy the comfort of your own car as you eat across the road from your unsuspecting ex as he or she dines with a new partner, a devastatingly attractive employee of the restaurant who has invited him or her out on a date. Watch them crestfallen after the meal as they are left with a simple kiss on the cheek and no prospect of a second date. For an additional fee, the truly eagle-eyed may spot a phone number being passed across on a napkin just before the bill arrives through their complimentary binoculars to enhance any feelings of jealous rage you may require.
Best Dish:
Lukewarm spaghetti hoops in a child's flask.
Worst Dish:
A week old Wispa which has melted and re-solidified.
Perfect Broth
A very limited menu of only broth, but high-tech voting panels on the table allow diners to precisely rate the broth for its excellence. Computers compile these results and the data is used to control chains which regulate the distance of a large number of cooks from the broth preparation area. If the broth begins to drop in quality, the chains tighten drawing cooks away from it and vice-versa.
Best Dish:
The Broth
Worst Dish:
The Broth
Eric's Beef Leg
A mostly vegetarian restaurant. All dishes are seasonal and meat-free with varied and excellent vegan options. Every four minutes the restaurant's mascot, Eric Beefleg runs through and diners are invited to chase him down and gorge on his meaty limb.
Best Dish:
Grilled seitan with yukon mash.
Worst Dish:
Eric's other leg chomped in haste.
Prwnd
A startlingly immature fish restaurant. Within four lines the menu descends in to racists abuse and badly disguised links to 2girls1cup.
Best Dish:
Your mum
Worst Dish:
Your mum
Dine and Whine
Everything about this restaurant is perfect. Well, to most it would be, but both service and food are deliberately littered with tiny mistakes in etiquette or technique which render them unpalatable for its exclusive clientèle of amateur critics and food snobs who complain in deliberately loud voices to the rest of their party who they secretly despise.
Best Dish:
Tenderloin of pork with honey and pepper jelly glaze (the pork is cut against the grain)
Worst Dish:
Zabaglione with peach purée (a disappointingly delightful dish from start to finish)
The Waffle House
The food here is described as excellent, only by the waiters who will not shut up. It may be the case, but no one has ever lasted long enough to place anything other than an order for their starter as the over enthusiastic staff pass comment on every dish you mention and how they once had that and it reminded them of somewhere where they met someone who once did something which was not entirely like anything you could ever be remotely interested in.
Best Dish:
Everything it seems.
Worst Dish:
Something the waiter once ate at the cafe opposite his cousin's girlfriend's dog walker's local newsagent, but that was five years ago and it's probably changed hands since then because that was where that girl got attacked. You remember, the one with the hair? It was all over the papers, because they remember looking at the paper while they were waiting in the newsagents, and they only mentioned it because…..
Enjoy the comfort of your own car as you eat across the road from your unsuspecting ex as he or she dines with a new partner, a devastatingly attractive employee of the restaurant who has invited him or her out on a date. Watch them crestfallen after the meal as they are left with a simple kiss on the cheek and no prospect of a second date. For an additional fee, the truly eagle-eyed may spot a phone number being passed across on a napkin just before the bill arrives through their complimentary binoculars to enhance any feelings of jealous rage you may require.
Best Dish:
Lukewarm spaghetti hoops in a child's flask.
Worst Dish:
A week old Wispa which has melted and re-solidified.
Perfect Broth
A very limited menu of only broth, but high-tech voting panels on the table allow diners to precisely rate the broth for its excellence. Computers compile these results and the data is used to control chains which regulate the distance of a large number of cooks from the broth preparation area. If the broth begins to drop in quality, the chains tighten drawing cooks away from it and vice-versa.
Best Dish:
The Broth
Worst Dish:
The Broth
Eric's Beef Leg
A mostly vegetarian restaurant. All dishes are seasonal and meat-free with varied and excellent vegan options. Every four minutes the restaurant's mascot, Eric Beefleg runs through and diners are invited to chase him down and gorge on his meaty limb.
Best Dish:
Grilled seitan with yukon mash.
Worst Dish:
Eric's other leg chomped in haste.
Prwnd
A startlingly immature fish restaurant. Within four lines the menu descends in to racists abuse and badly disguised links to 2girls1cup.
Best Dish:
Your mum
Worst Dish:
Your mum
Dine and Whine
Everything about this restaurant is perfect. Well, to most it would be, but both service and food are deliberately littered with tiny mistakes in etiquette or technique which render them unpalatable for its exclusive clientèle of amateur critics and food snobs who complain in deliberately loud voices to the rest of their party who they secretly despise.
Best Dish:
Tenderloin of pork with honey and pepper jelly glaze (the pork is cut against the grain)
Worst Dish:
Zabaglione with peach purée (a disappointingly delightful dish from start to finish)
The Waffle House
The food here is described as excellent, only by the waiters who will not shut up. It may be the case, but no one has ever lasted long enough to place anything other than an order for their starter as the over enthusiastic staff pass comment on every dish you mention and how they once had that and it reminded them of somewhere where they met someone who once did something which was not entirely like anything you could ever be remotely interested in.
Best Dish:
Everything it seems.
Worst Dish:
Something the waiter once ate at the cafe opposite his cousin's girlfriend's dog walker's local newsagent, but that was five years ago and it's probably changed hands since then because that was where that girl got attacked. You remember, the one with the hair? It was all over the papers, because they remember looking at the paper while they were waiting in the newsagents, and they only mentioned it because…..
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